who will stop them
You Might Also Like
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.