(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
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me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.