I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
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*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
BRAKING NEWS!!
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
The government even made aliens boring
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.