this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
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I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Go hard or stay average
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
she has a smile full of sesame seeds