INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
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1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
A fake ID that makes you younger
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.