[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
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I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.