@knot_eye

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

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@KyleMcDowell86

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

@GrantTanaka

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

@ClassicMegan

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

@sageboggs

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

@Rollinintheseat

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

@ericsshadow

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

@kevinseccia

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

@brandynmacd

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.