I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
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Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep