@knot_eye
@KyleMcDowell86 told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
You Might Also Like
@KyleMcDowell86 
@GrantTanaka dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
@ClassicMegan Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
@sageboggs teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
@Rollinintheseat Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
@ieatanddrink Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
@buitengebieden_ Shoo shoo! 😂
@ericsshadow Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
@kevinseccia Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
@brandynmacd Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.