no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Body by sandwich.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!