It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

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(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?


What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?


TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!


Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down


1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!

2015: Taco Emoji!


I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.


Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate


Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away


We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.


I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.