It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.