When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
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ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
lost dog
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.