Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
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There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.