Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
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Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
tell em, edith-anne
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*