While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
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The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
This kid is going places
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”