me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
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Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*