Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
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My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
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*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.