Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

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DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-


DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.


Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.


That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.


Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to


Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.


Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”


My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.


T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said