Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
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(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!