gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it