5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
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I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
*praying for world peace*
God:
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
taking June’s advice to heart
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.