i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
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Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?