If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
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My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I hope this email finds you in a well
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?