Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
You Might Also Like
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan