the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
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Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’