Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
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I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
There’s always that one guy
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.