I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
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Perfect
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old