Perfect
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Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn