I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
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So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.