“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.