My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.