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Ruin it with Sex™
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Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I think we should hear other voices.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.