hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
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Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.