ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
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Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
This 4th of July, please remember…
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…