When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
dude it’s called proctologist
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Friday night party time 🥳