“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
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FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.