Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Breaking news:
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
pizza
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.