Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
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Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
What’s so funny?
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.