[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
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I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I’m about to risk it all
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great