I’m about to risk it all
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.