That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.