Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
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A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree