@kjataylor
@TylerLinkin Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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@TylerLinkin 
@HelloJessicaFox A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
@13spencer There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
@botandy ‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
@Lance_Said_This What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
@IamEnidColeslaw Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
@Rlpihl in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
@TheHyyyype [paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
@SouthernStylin1 9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
@bananagrvyrd Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree