My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
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[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..