[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
finally found a reasonable question
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
stop
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …