I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Spring of Deception
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I’m awake but I object,
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”