There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
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My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.