[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
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Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My typo game is string.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess