People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
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Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.