Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
You Might Also Like
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Jail
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.