Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
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Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?