Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
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My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Okay
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress