Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
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Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.