[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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*googles how the hell I ended up here*
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
So glad we cleared that up
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Feel. He’s so soft.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers