*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
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*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
necessity is the mother of invention
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Story of my life…..
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.