Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
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FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Noted.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Stop sending me this shit.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.